Enough is enough

For all you people out there, let me tell you this.

Judge me only if you are in my shoes, else, keep your mouths shut.

You do not know what I have to go through, what I have to live with, the agony of watching your parents fall sick, taking them to the hospital, watching them grow old, the worries I have to bear, the huge weight on my shoulders.

Why MY shoulders? I’ve always asked myself. I have a sister somewhere. But for the last 14? 15 years? Where has she been? If you’re reading this, I’m sorry that you’re disappointed with me like you said. But this is exactly how I feel, after so many years, the responsibility of taking care of OUR parents has fallen on me, not by choice. Yes. It’s only right that I take care of them. But I can only do so much.

The fact that they spent money for you to go overseas to study only for you to end up migrating there and not come back except for those short trips once every other year. Perhaps they could have seen it coming, perhaps not.

But now that it is already a fact, they have already resigned themselves to the fact that you’re not coming back. What happens? They push all their hopes on me. I’m expected to do what you didn’t. To get a good education, a good job, and bring home some money.

The fact that I went through those years of depression after my breakup… how I fell deeper and deeper and ended up in a mess, losing my job, crashing my car, yes…. I have only myself to blame. Everybody has put up with me for so many years. But has anybody ever realise that while I was going through some really emotional times of my life, I still had to deal with the many neurotic moments of my dad, there were even threats of suicide where I had to rush home. It wasn’t fun at all.

I’m using him as an excuse for my immaturity and not being adept at anything? Yes, it is my fault. I should never have fallen out with my lecturer, that way I would have went on to get better paper qualifications, and go on to get a better job.

All you people do is just watch and shake your heads and lecture. Criticise. Put yourself in my shoes. Go through what I went through. We are all different. It doesn’t mean that you can handle this amount, I should be able to. Try calling your fat friends to run 2.4km in 12mins and tell them if you can do it so can they.

People just think I haven’t been trying or haven’t tried hard enough. What do you people know? When I am trying, do you have eyes to see? Innocent until proven guilty. I’ve been sentenced even before I’m proven guilty.

I have my own personal life to lead. I wished I could anyway. I can only do so much by myself. Nobody to share the weight, and worse, nobody who even makes an attempt to understand. When you’re sad, disappointed, don’t you just wish someone was there to comfort, to listen? A hug? Instead, I get lectured, I get criticised. The very people you expect to get some emotional support from are the ones who are shooting you down. How do you expect me to handle my sorry life then? Yes… Grow up…do something…stop bitching…

I’ve tried, I’m still trying, but does anybody care? How much do you all want me to bottle up?

I’ve got my own personal problems, but yet, I have to take on more from everybody else. Why does everyone like to add to what I already have to handle?

I have no life, no privacy, and everything that I do is under scrutiny. From the things I do, the things I purchase to the car I drive. My close friends are now distant. They don’t understand, my sis doesn’t understand… it seems nobody does. The person whom I thought I could share this with, is becoming distant as well.

I’m starting to lose my friends and loved ones. Why?

Everybody climbs all over me. Am I too being to nice to people? I’ve tried my best to please everyone. In the end what happens? I get hurt over and over again.

As friends, advise me. Yes, but please respect the decisions I make as well. I don’t give you attitude for choosing the friends, wives or girlfriends you choose or the decisions you make.

Being my other half, when I’m nice to you, don’t let it get to your head. When I make the effort to do something for you, I am not obligated to. Use your initiative when required. I thought I could share my ups and downs with you just like I do when you’re unhappy; I try to cheer you up. When I was down, you told me off. Pain. That was all I felt. Do you even realise that?

Selfishness…. I’m no saint, but I’ve tried really hard, to get everybody to get along with each other. In the end, I have people disliking one another, people back stabbing another, rumors, chaos…whatever… it’s so sickening. If you want to join the party, behave. Don’t create havoc. I can only deal with so much. Why can’t everybody just get along? Why do I have to choose who to hang out with? Do you guys realise how difficult it is for me when I have to make such decisions and upset the rest?

It’s time really… for me to be nasty and to be selfish, for me to make myself happy. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt anyone out there in the process, but this is all I can take.

This is the only outlet I have.
Judge all you want. I live for myself from now on.